I've Failed

Emma had her first dentist appointment today! She was very excited, as brushing her teeth is one of her most favorite things to do.

The appointment was at 9am. So we get there like 10 minutes early. Easy to do as we live literally 2 minutes down the street from the office.

We hang out in the waiting room for a bit, watching cars drive by and reading books. Then her name is called, she wants to walk cause she's a big girl, so I let her.

We're directed to room 2, 2nd on the left. We go in, exchange pleasantries, and then she asks Emma if she wants to get in the big chair.

No.

Emma, you have to get in the chair. I set her on it. She slides off. No.

Eventually she is persuaded with an Etch-a-Sketch, and she sits. She shows how she brushes her teeth, and then is asked if the hygienist can count her teeth. She obliges.

Then she turns the overhead light on and gets a better look at Emma's teeth. "She has a couple spots." Time to get the dentist in.

Dentist comes in, takes a look. Then he turns to me and says she needs a filling in one of her teeth. And xrays. And he's not equipped to do that on her, because she's so little, so we get a referral to a pediatric dentist.

It's not a big deal, he says.

Ugh.

I knew about the spot. It's been there for a long time. Over a year probably. I still feel like a failure. My 2 year old needs a filling. What 2 year old needs a filling.

We brush every day. She never had bottles in bed. She doesn't get candy, and only has juice once a day (sometimes not at all). I don't know how it happened.

Sure, it's not a big deal. But it is. It's another crack in an already unstable wall. I feel like I fail my kids every day. I'm not home enough. When I am home, I don't do enough with them. I don't feed them well enough. I don't take them enough places. I don't buy them enough things. I'm not patient enough. I don't show them I love them enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. Nothing is ever enough.

Now my baby needs a filling. And I don't take care of her oral hygiene enough.

It's a perpetual cycle we, as parents, put ourselves through. I read something once, that said something to the effect of, if you're wondering if you're being a good parent, you are. That struck me, and has stayed with me. I forget it sometimes, but eventually it will come back to mind, and ease my worries some.

Of course, I will always question if I'm doing a good job. And there will always be days like today where I will feel like the biggest failure over something fairly small. But there will also always be smiles, and hugs, and I love yous, that will make none of that matter at all.

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