I've Failed

Emma had her first dentist appointment today! She was very excited, as brushing her teeth is one of her most favorite things to do.

The appointment was at 9am. So we get there like 10 minutes early. Easy to do as we live literally 2 minutes down the street from the office.

We hang out in the waiting room for a bit, watching cars drive by and reading books. Then her name is called, she wants to walk cause she's a big girl, so I let her.

We're directed to room 2, 2nd on the left. We go in, exchange pleasantries, and then she asks Emma if she wants to get in the big chair.

No.

Emma, you have to get in the chair. I set her on it. She slides off. No.

Eventually she is persuaded with an Etch-a-Sketch, and she sits. She shows how she brushes her teeth, and then is asked if the hygienist can count her teeth. She obliges.

Then she turns the overhead light on and gets a better look at Emma's teeth. "She has a couple spots." Time to get the dentist in.

Dentist comes in, takes a look. Then he turns to me and says she needs a filling in one of her teeth. And xrays. And he's not equipped to do that on her, because she's so little, so we get a referral to a pediatric dentist.

It's not a big deal, he says.

Ugh.

I knew about the spot. It's been there for a long time. Over a year probably. I still feel like a failure. My 2 year old needs a filling. What 2 year old needs a filling.

We brush every day. She never had bottles in bed. She doesn't get candy, and only has juice once a day (sometimes not at all). I don't know how it happened.

Sure, it's not a big deal. But it is. It's another crack in an already unstable wall. I feel like I fail my kids every day. I'm not home enough. When I am home, I don't do enough with them. I don't feed them well enough. I don't take them enough places. I don't buy them enough things. I'm not patient enough. I don't show them I love them enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. Nothing is ever enough.

Now my baby needs a filling. And I don't take care of her oral hygiene enough.

It's a perpetual cycle we, as parents, put ourselves through. I read something once, that said something to the effect of, if you're wondering if you're being a good parent, you are. That struck me, and has stayed with me. I forget it sometimes, but eventually it will come back to mind, and ease my worries some.

Of course, I will always question if I'm doing a good job. And there will always be days like today where I will feel like the biggest failure over something fairly small. But there will also always be smiles, and hugs, and I love yous, that will make none of that matter at all.

.

Going South

I had a follow up with my doctor on Tuesday, to check on progress and what not. She still couldn't really see anything with her machine, I did get a "I'm pretty sure that's the heart." But nothing definitive. She sent me to make another appointment with MFM and their multi-million dollar machines. That is scheduled for next Wednesday, which was the earliest they could get me in.

On my way home, my doctor called me to come back in for a Rhogam shot, just to be on the safe side, since I'd had one spot of spotting a couple days earlier.

That night I had a little bit of spotting. I didn't think too much of it, and it went away. Figured probably just from the internal ultrasound, jostling things around a bit.

That night, I dreamed I miscarried. I woke up super early, around 5am, and when I went to the bathroom, the toilet was red. I've been bleeding now for the past 3 days, sometimes heavier, sometimes just spotting, every now and then it seems it's stopped.

I have not gone to the hospital for confirmation. I really don't feel like sitting there half the night to just be told what I feel I already know, and I've already had the Rhogam so there's really no need. I spoke with my doctor again yesterday and she said to keep the appointment with MFM, even if I'm sure it's a miscarriage, to still get checked out and be sure I passed everything. I sure hope so because I absolutely do not want to have to do the surgery for a third time. So I will be going on Wednesday and will have confirmation then.

So right now I'm just riding it out. It's bizarre to me how normal this seems at this point. I'm not sad. I've barely shed many tears. I'm angry. I'm so angry. We get hope, and positivity, and it just gets ripped away every time. Leaving us empty and back at square one. I don't need a 4th child. I don't do this for me. This was for Emma. I don't want her growing up alone. In a few years both her sisters will be out of the house, building their own lives as new adults, leaving Emma by herself. I want her to have a sibling. One she can be close to. When I got pregnant last May, that was perfect. They would have been just under 2 years apart. I could see them growing up together, the best of friends. But no, that was not to happen. We lost that one at 9 weeks in July. Coincidentally I am supposed to be 9 weeks with this one as well. The other 2 pregnancies I lost last year were both very early, within the first week of finding out. I never got excited over either, those early times are so full of apprehension for me.

I don't know what the future holds for us. Nobody does, really. All I can do is look at it with optimism and the hope that eventually, everything will ok. (And maybe Emma might even sleep through  the night. Ha.)

Update

So I went for the follow up ultrasound today. She pretty much immediately found the gestational sac. In my uterus where it belongs, so that was good.

What also was good, was she was explaining to me everything she sees. Usually the techs don't tell me anything, they just send it over to my doc, who then gives me the results.

I get the usual, "Are you sure about your dates?". Yes lady, I keep really good track of my cycles.

She's looking, and she tells me she sees a yolk sac in the gestational sac. And also a freshly formed fetal pole.

She takes some pictures.

Then she says to me, "You see that flicker, flicker, flicker? That's the heartbeat."

Whaaaaaaat.

I went into this fully expecting to be told I've got a baby in a tube and I need emergency surgery before it ruptures. Or at the very least, an impending miscarriage.

Was not expecting a heartbeat at all.

Now, we are not 100% out of the woods. By my dates (which are on point), I should be 7 weeks, 5 days right now. But the ultrasound today is putting me at 5 weeks, 5 days. Had i gotten pregnant 2 weeks later than I think I did, i would have gotten a positive test before I even ovulated. Which is impossible.

But for now, everything looks good, and we just wait to see how things progress.

She didn't give me a picture, but she gave me good news, so I'm ok with that. But here's another one of Emma anyway.

Here We Go Again

I had a doctor's appointment today.

For a pregnancy confirmation.

I should be 7 weeks 4 days today. But my uterus is seemingly empty. She found something she said she thinks could be a yolk sac, but it's so far off she can't even figure out where it is.

So, I may be having another miscarriage (this would be my 5th now), I may have an ectopic pregnancy, or nothing could be wrong and they just can't find the baby.

Tomorrow I go to Maternal Fetal Medicine for a more detailed ultrasound to figure things out.

I don't know why this keeps happening. It's taxing and stressful.

I'm hopeful that baby is just playing hide and seek, but I'm prepared for the worst. This waiting game is the absolute worst though.

Emma's good btw. She is currently jumping on the couch like a maniac, living her best life at 2.

Here's a picture of her eating her birthday cake.