She's NOT Still Pretty

I'm ashamed to say that when Emma was new, I didn't want to take her out in public. I was too afraid of what people might say, or the looks she would get. I was protecting her. Or perhaps I was protecting myself. I am happy to say I have outgrown that stage.

Luckily, most people we have encountered so far just say the usual. She's adorable! Oh how cute! She's so pretty! Etc, etc, etc... There have only been a few people who have even asked about her birthmark, aside from small children, who are naturally always curious. This doesn't bother me so much, I just tell them it's a birthmark, she was born with it - to adults and children alike.

What does bother me, however, is the response that comes back. "Well she's still pretty". I know this statement is not meant to be malicious in any way. I get that. It's just that word there in the middle. Still. Or anyway. Like, "But she's beautiful anyway". No. Just no. My baby is beautiful. Just beautiful. Not beautiful despite anything. Not beautiful even though something. She is just beautiful.

We don't go around telling people that they're still pretty even though they have a big nose. Or they're so cute despite the wrinkles on their forehead. Or their teeth are crooked but they're still beautiful anyway. So what makes her birthmark any different? It's not. And just because it's not something most people see every day, or ever for that matter, it still doesn't make it ok. I don't want her to develop a stigma for her mark. I want her to grow up knowing that she is beautiful, every inch of her.

So please, if you ever see Emma, or any other child with CMN, or any other kind of physical difference to "normal", just say, "You're beautiful."

Slow It Down

5 months. FIVE months. How the heck did we get here? It's hard to believe that Emma has been with us for five months now. That's like almost a whole half a year.

So far everything's been great.

Yeah. Right. Who am I kidding! Everything? No. A lot of things, sure, but not everything. As much as I'd like to claim it, she is far from the world's happiest baby. She has her moments, of course. And most of the time she is pretty docile. But some days she just cries. Still, even now, at 5 months, she will cry for no discernable reason. Sometimes she cries because she's hungry and I'm trying to feed her. Really kid? Other times she cries because she's tired. But she won't go to sleep. And then she'll cry because she's in the wrong room. But still, there are times she cries for absolutely no reason, and there's no consoling her until she decides to stop. And usually then, she'll eat and go to sleep.

And sleep? I'm pretty sure she slept better when she was a newborn. Naps, if she'll take one, now mostly hover around the 30 minute mark. And I'm lucky if she does this 3 times a day. At night she still wakes up at least 3 times. Not long ago she'd sleep till around 4, wake to eat, then sleep till 7 or 8, sometimes 9. Now she wakes around 1. And then 4. And often again at around 5, 6, and 7. And she basically sleeps attached to a boob the entire time after her first wake up. She does sleep in her crib until then though. But yeah. It's pretty exhausting. And no luck napping later in the day with her. Cause as I said, she hardly naps.

And for the love of Pete, can someone please tell me why this child is STILL spitting up? I don't mean like just a little dribble here and there. I mean oftentimes full blown exorcist stuff. We keep burp cloths placed strategically around the house at all times. It's rather disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, diaper output is fan-freaking-tastic. Like at least 10+ per day. One good thing though, she's only ever had diaper rash like twice, and that was a very long time ago. Like when she was less than a month old long time ago. So that's super.

She's finally laughing now! When she wants to anyway. She's very stingy with the full on laughs. She'll smile and coo all day long (as long as she's not crying) but she makes you WORK for those laughs. And most of the time the work is not good enough and she will not hand out even a tiny laugh. She also has this high pitched squeal she loooooves to do, often in place of a laugh, for which I have named her my baby velociraptor. But it's fun and I love it.

Developmentally she is doing great. She reaches, and grabs, has great head control (and has for like forever). She passes toys from one hand to the other. She chews everything (no sign of teeth though). She tries to sit up when she's laying down all the time, her core is going to be fantastic by the time she figures it out. And if you hold her hands, she will pull herself all the way up. Even onto her feet. BUT. She still isn't rolling. I'm almost worried about that, but watching her play, I'm pretty sure it's a choice, not a delay. She just has no interest in it. She can, and does, roll up on her side, but she just stops there. Like, "This is good enough Mom."

I'm certainly not used to trying to balance a baby and work and home stuff. Something is constantly getting neglected, usually the home. With the first two, I didn't work for like at least their first two years. Now, I basically never stopped.

I am very proud to say that we are 5 months in and still exclusively breastfeeding. This is the longest I've gone without supplementing at all. I can't say it's all been easy either though. There have been times where I have considered quitting. And still I question if she's getting enough. But she is growing just fine so I guess she is. She has started solids, but up until this week it wasn't very regular. And still it's really just for practice, but she's suddenly gotten very good at it. And she seems to love oatmeal mixed with apples. The next food on our list is going to be carrots.

I know she's growing, but man she's still so small. It's so weird too, because it seems like she's gotten so big, but she hasn't. Compared to her birth size, I guess she has. And she's (as of her 4 month appointment) growing right on her growth curve, but that curve is only 35%. For weight. For height she's only 25%. So she's still a tiny little thing. And she still has room to grow in her 3-6 month clothes. But she's not 6 months yet anyway I suppose. If it's anything like the last two sizes, she won't outgrow them until she's about 7 months anyway. Again, weird to me, because the first two were always in a size ahead.

But even with her little quirks and high maintenance nature, this girl is such a blessing, and brings so much joy. She does give me pause though, and make me wonder if we do decide on another, will it be even more picky than Emma is? Or is Emma our designated rough patch and it'll be all smooth sailing beyond her? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.