On my way home, my doctor called me to come back in for a Rhogam shot, just to be on the safe side, since I'd had one spot of spotting a couple days earlier.
That night I had a little bit of spotting. I didn't think too much of it, and it went away. Figured probably just from the internal ultrasound, jostling things around a bit.
That night, I dreamed I miscarried. I woke up super early, around 5am, and when I went to the bathroom, the toilet was red. I've been bleeding now for the past 3 days, sometimes heavier, sometimes just spotting, every now and then it seems it's stopped.
I have not gone to the hospital for confirmation. I really don't feel like sitting there half the night to just be told what I feel I already know, and I've already had the Rhogam so there's really no need. I spoke with my doctor again yesterday and she said to keep the appointment with MFM, even if I'm sure it's a miscarriage, to still get checked out and be sure I passed everything. I sure hope so because I absolutely do not want to have to do the surgery for a third time. So I will be going on Wednesday and will have confirmation then.
So right now I'm just riding it out. It's bizarre to me how normal this seems at this point. I'm not sad. I've barely shed many tears. I'm angry. I'm so angry. We get hope, and positivity, and it just gets ripped away every time. Leaving us empty and back at square one. I don't need a 4th child. I don't do this for me. This was for Emma. I don't want her growing up alone. In a few years both her sisters will be out of the house, building their own lives as new adults, leaving Emma by herself. I want her to have a sibling. One she can be close to. When I got pregnant last May, that was perfect. They would have been just under 2 years apart. I could see them growing up together, the best of friends. But no, that was not to happen. We lost that one at 9 weeks in July. Coincidentally I am supposed to be 9 weeks with this one as well. The other 2 pregnancies I lost last year were both very early, within the first week of finding out. I never got excited over either, those early times are so full of apprehension for me.
I don't know what the future holds for us. Nobody does, really. All I can do is look at it with optimism and the hope that eventually, everything will ok. (And maybe Emma might even sleep through the night. Ha.)
